It’s that time of year again when the mice are heading indoors. I found my first one sitting on top of the laundry basket investigating the Pestex plugged in to the wall. Since then I have caught four. They are country mice unlike the über mice that infested my flat in Edinburgh.

Those mice would sit on the kitchen table smoking as they flexed their biceps and heckled you about the quality of your leftovers. They ate poison for breakfast and built decks out of the traps left out for them on which they had rowdy barbeques that lasted all night, crashing out wherever they fell. One time I woke up to find one trying to go a sleep under my neck.

Westown mice are cut from far more innocent cloth. They walk blindly into any traps set for them or do away with themselves to make my life easier like the one I found floating in the toilet last year. For a split second when I glanced in the bowl I had the disturbing thought it had come out of my bottom…

My mice, I imagine them as ruddy, healthy youths who enjoy hill walking and shopping for their grannies. They collect butterflies and blush when they talk to girls. And so I feel quite guilty for slaughtering them.

Today I began to imagine what would happen if the tables were turned and I found a large trap set for me. I thought of myself opening mouthed and glassy-eyed, a trickle of blood running into a large piece of cake, the tragedy being, like the mouse I caught this morning, that I wouldn’t even manage a bite before the lights were snapped off.

But of course, I realised as I plotted out my cartoon, that being realistic(as my cartoons ALWAYS are)I wouldn’t get my head caught, just my hands(unless I was having one of my “days”)and so it’s back to the drawing board for the lads and nights of waking up wondering of that is the sound of a little saw hard at work for me…

4 responses to “WHAT IF..

  1. You should know by now Westie that all us country folk are simple and shy and that includes our coussies the meeces. I am imagining the lads pondering a suitable trap for you. Hilarious, I loved that. Thanks Westie 🙂


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